I've had varying experiences with Craigslist. Mostly they vary from 'good' to 'meh'. Lately they have been 'bad'. After waiting in line at the DMV Saturday morning I was on my way with the boyfriend to the man who said he had rex does for sale. Running late I decided to give him a call during which is casually told me that all of the rabbits were gone. I don't like talking on the phone, I have terrible anxiety and I am more than awkward. So when I called the guy that Thursday to make an appointment to see his rabbits I was being brave. And I was going to have to be brave again because getting a doe meant that I had to slaughter a rabbit after we had gotten home. I was a little peeved hearing how cavalier he was on the phone. Also he didn't remember who I was. Saturday had a crap beginning, and Craigslist got another bad mark from me.
Since we were only about ten minutes from home we headed back, both of us feeling kind of good. I honestly don't think we are ready to kill that rabbit. But there is no way to ease into slaughtering an animal.
I have a hard time eating meat that is far removed from my line of sight. I have never been a big meat eater anyway, but I enjoy it when I do, mostly. I am usually disappointed by meat when I buy it. At the store it lacks flavor and integrity. The last few chickens I've bought from the local farmers market were freezer burned, dry and chewy. I know that food can taste amazing. I know that when it is brought up well it is nourishing in a way that processed food can never be. This is why I want to bred meat rabbits. I know that in my care they will be loved and they will have a good existence. My rabbits wont want for food or water, I let them hop around outside in the grass, I don't cram them into too small cages. They will have been treated just as well as I treat my cats because I value them. They will taste good, if only for the hard work and the knowledge of a job well done.
I don't understand the mindless consumption of meat pieces and products that have been so far removed from the animal that Cow Chicken Pig are abstract beings in people's minds. I also don't really understand veganism.
As far as not wanting to eat meat because you have a sense that something isn't right with what you are doing. I get that. I'm going to bring the animals to me...as much as my HOA will let me. I need that if I'm going to keep eating them.
Mostly this weekend was uneventful. I reupholstered an ottoman. It was previously covered in a hideous pastel pink denim fabric and now its not.
I landed myself two interviews so we shall see how that goes.
One of my cats is pulling out his hair. In protest of what, I have no idea.
It is never boring around here.
I have two cats, one boyfriend, and two rabbits. My house is a slowly sliding down into barn-ness. The old me would have loved the chaos, loved how charming it all would seem. But I feel an insatiable need to have my house look like all of those post modern minimalist pictures on Apartment Therapy. It never does though. I found myself laughing as I write this. My cats love the scraps of fabric I leave around, and my boyfriend leaves his underpants in what is supposed to be the craft room. I love it honestly but the OCD I got from my mother is kicking into high gear. All I see are imperfections. But its not all bad right? I can be a normal functioning person with a messy house right?
Well anyway. I'm up late because I find it hard to sleep at night. I try not to change up my sleeping schedule, but I'm not perfect. And I get more done at night. The week is almost up and there are a few things I have learned that I would like to share.
Shorts. Pants in general. Are weird. I am currently learning how to sew, again and for the first time. I can't really explain. I'm bad at it and I'm not sure I like it. Tonight I decided I wanted to make a nice pair of shorts. I have made pants before but no matter how many times I do I cannot remember how to put them together right. What I learned is that pants are weird and have way to many parts that need to be sewn together.
Who invented buttonholes? I don't care if they make your shirts easier to wear, or your pockets stay closed. You would do well to use velcro. God save me from buttonholes. I learned through making 6 buttonholes on a dress shirt that I have a fear of buttonholes and I get really mean when I'm frustrated.
I want to breed rabbits. I have learned through working in the culinary field, that rabbit is the tastiest meat beside pork. That is my professional opinion. So I decided that the ten dollar frozen bunnies at my local Asian supermarket are too expensive and too freezer burned. I hope no one begins to hate me over this. I promise you that I have nothing but respect for animals. Killing an animal is some heavy stuff and shouldn't be taken lightly. I like to eat meat and I like to hunt and fish. I think that me treating my meat well and dealing directly with their death eases my conscience a little bit. What I learned this week about rabbits is that they bite. Also just because a rabbit is small doesn't mean it is a female. I ended up buying two male rabbits in two weeks. Let me tell you something. Rabbits have balls. Those balls are kept pretty secret until you put them in a situation where they have to be used. AKA asserting dominance. So it took my boyfriend and I about 20 minutes to pull the rabbit of of each other and check the goods. I learned that just because someone says something is a girl, doesn't mean it is. Check your babies at the hospital people!
The worst part about that experience is now I have to kill one. Culling is a heartless business, but a necessary one. Unfortunately the one that I thought was our doe will have to go. He's smaller and less dominant, though nicer. Nice doesn't make good babies.
I'm be going out to get a doe this weekend. The trip will take about an hour each way. Another thing I learned this week: starting up a business is expensive.
I've got rabbit feed and wood shavings all over my living room. I touched rabbit sperm. I cleaned up the craft room twice this week but it currently looks like a craft store exploded in there. I'm not wearing pants, I've been put of pants for a little. I made an insane pound cake. Soon everyone will be starting their day, I'll be ending mine...or maybe I'll be up for hours more. I am sort of floating around trying to understand everything and all at once be comfortable in my mess, while hating how out of control it makes me feel. Its exhausting. As exhausted as I am....I can't sleep to save my life.
They say things come full circle. I was never good at drawing circles. Or ovals. they never met up and one side was always bigger. I always come back to one feeling however. Day after day I can't shake the feeling that I am failing at being a productive, healthy, happy person. Now, if you lived in my house and saw the things I do on a daily basis, including getting up before twelve in the afternoon, you would know I am productive. My boyfriend tells me every day that I should look around and catalog what I've done. All I can see are the things that need to be done, and how much better I can do tomorrow.
As far as being healthy goes....I'm still working on that. I have been since I can remember, and I'm not exaggerating. I was recently diagnosed with a mental health disorder that I have been coping with since I was little. On top of dealing with everything else, it can be hard to stay healthy, to eat right, to be happy. Steep learning curve. I hope I'm making progress, but who can really tell?
So I'm making the best of what I have. Constant fear of inadequacy, vicious self-criticism, two cats, two rabbits and a boyfriend. A house that's falling apart and has a kitchen that was made to discourage people from cooking. A front yard full of rocks and stumps. I think the city is coming to dig up the asphalt in our parking lot because the pipes are really messed up. Oh, and the person we bought this house from rents in a house across the street. More on that later.
Have things come full circle? I lost another job, I spend most of my days inside so I'm socially awkward again, and I'm back to daydreaming about better things. I'd say I'm right back where I was in high school. At least this time I don't have to go to gym. What 'They' say always seems to be true, but I have issues with authority. Plus its spring right? I've got a whole bunch of new beginnings ahead of me, and a lot of chances to make what they say, into what I say.
